I Do Think About You

Today's his birthday. His first. It has been exactly one year since I sat in the hallway at Timothy and knew there was something wrong before daddy reached me. It has been a year that I have had to keep the worst secret from Holt and Caro. It has been one year since I sat in my room and cried on Oliver Jones. It has been many times that in my grief at sleepovers, I have crawled into my best friend's closets and cried because we were watching heartbreaking movies about babies. It's been a year.
As I was sitting in the car today a country song came on the radio and the chorus caught my attention. This song was talking about a man that had had a car accident and killed his wife (I am assuming) in the process. The chorus was:

Don't think I don't think about it,

Don't think I don't have regrets

I had to fight to not lose it in the Chick-fil-a parking lot. I was looking for my diary today and I came across my entry from March 5th last year:

Hi. It is the 5th of March and mama lost the baby yesterday. They are coming home from the hospital today. Gramma and Big are here. So now Anna Kay, John Crawford, and Josiah Birch (Whose nickname I gave him is Teddy after Theodore in Little Women because he was like a brother to them.) are all in Heaven. Kales and Ems didn't even know about the baby but I told them everything yesterday. I have closed the doors to my room and my music is on.
Bye,
Juliana
This is worse than Crawford's birthday because I didn't really want a little brother when we found out mama was pregnant so I didn't get as attached to him as I did Teddy. I thought about all the time what fun things we would do together when he got bigger. I thought about everything, but most of all I thought about loving him. And as weird as this sounds I have found that I think, because he is not here with me I love him more than I ever could have, had he not died. Teddy, I DO think about it and I love you with all my heart.